What do you do when you don't know what you want?
What's the next step?
What if you make the wrong decision?
Back when I was 18 or even 20 I never really thought about what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I guess I always figured it would all come together in some magical way like all of the top Hollywood movies show us. Shit isn't real though. I'm weeks from graduating and from stepping out of a job experience that has taught me more about myself than I had learned in a long time. Needless to say it was more than fulfilling.
Now, I'm walking towards a closed door that I may soon have to open and walk through. The weirdest part is not even knowing what is on the other side of that door. Is it what I have studied for the past 5 years? Is it a new city, country, language? Is it a new person? Is it a new career? There seem to be a lot of possibilities, a lot of "what ifs" in my mind, too many "maybe this is what I should do" or "maybe this is what they expect me to do or expect from me period".
There's just so much in my head to actually clear a path that I can follow peacefully, without regretting every step. I keep getting asked "What's next?" and I almost feel ashamed of not knowing what to answer, or having my answer be just "I don't know".
Sometimes I envy the people that have everything planned out or at least play it cool until they make it. Like doctors, for example, who from day one of med school know who they want to be and in what type of bodies they want to put their hands in. Good for you! Great, really! But shit, I really wish I had my crap straighten out just like that.
It's overwhelming having so many possible opportunities, I guess what I just have to do next is make a decision. But see, that's the thing. The next decision I make is life changing, it will defy everything that happens after that. So even if it's just ONE decision, it's more like THE decision.
I am grateful though, for the group of people that I find to surround me today. Sure, some of them were not here two or five years ago, but they're here now and that's what matters. I guess what I'm also coming to figure out is that life doesn't really turn out the way you plan it. I mean, you start your first day of college or university thinking that in 5 years you'd have graduated and have a steady job and income. But, here I am, and it's nothing like that. Nothing is like I planned. Nothing ever goes as planned. So hey, maybe we shouldn't even plan at all.
The place where I was two or three months ago was a result of spontaneity, of just taking a leap, going for it. And I have learned more than I could ever imaged in the last year or so. I don't know, I'm still in square one, right to where this post started, not knowing what to do with my fucking life. I feel like writing it down makes it more real, and in a weird way it relieves a tiny bit of pressure and stress.
Honestly, I just hope that in 6 or 8 months I'll be in a place where I feel happy and am surrounded by people who are also and fight for what makes them feel this way and for what they love because, at the end of the day, what is life if not a constant fight for what drives you mad, for what your gut tells you is the way, for what you truly and deeply want. I guess what I'm starting to figure out is that my future depends on me and what I want, what sacrifices I need to make and what challenges I need to accept. Growing up is turning out to be more difficult than I ever imagined but at the same time it has its perks. I hope when I look back to these hard, existentialist times I smile and think about every lesson that lead me to that place I'll be in.
N.
What's the next step?
What if you make the wrong decision?
Back when I was 18 or even 20 I never really thought about what I was going to do for the rest of my life. I guess I always figured it would all come together in some magical way like all of the top Hollywood movies show us. Shit isn't real though. I'm weeks from graduating and from stepping out of a job experience that has taught me more about myself than I had learned in a long time. Needless to say it was more than fulfilling.
Now, I'm walking towards a closed door that I may soon have to open and walk through. The weirdest part is not even knowing what is on the other side of that door. Is it what I have studied for the past 5 years? Is it a new city, country, language? Is it a new person? Is it a new career? There seem to be a lot of possibilities, a lot of "what ifs" in my mind, too many "maybe this is what I should do" or "maybe this is what they expect me to do or expect from me period".
There's just so much in my head to actually clear a path that I can follow peacefully, without regretting every step. I keep getting asked "What's next?" and I almost feel ashamed of not knowing what to answer, or having my answer be just "I don't know".
Sometimes I envy the people that have everything planned out or at least play it cool until they make it. Like doctors, for example, who from day one of med school know who they want to be and in what type of bodies they want to put their hands in. Good for you! Great, really! But shit, I really wish I had my crap straighten out just like that.
It's overwhelming having so many possible opportunities, I guess what I just have to do next is make a decision. But see, that's the thing. The next decision I make is life changing, it will defy everything that happens after that. So even if it's just ONE decision, it's more like THE decision.
I am grateful though, for the group of people that I find to surround me today. Sure, some of them were not here two or five years ago, but they're here now and that's what matters. I guess what I'm also coming to figure out is that life doesn't really turn out the way you plan it. I mean, you start your first day of college or university thinking that in 5 years you'd have graduated and have a steady job and income. But, here I am, and it's nothing like that. Nothing is like I planned. Nothing ever goes as planned. So hey, maybe we shouldn't even plan at all.
The place where I was two or three months ago was a result of spontaneity, of just taking a leap, going for it. And I have learned more than I could ever imaged in the last year or so. I don't know, I'm still in square one, right to where this post started, not knowing what to do with my fucking life. I feel like writing it down makes it more real, and in a weird way it relieves a tiny bit of pressure and stress.
Honestly, I just hope that in 6 or 8 months I'll be in a place where I feel happy and am surrounded by people who are also and fight for what makes them feel this way and for what they love because, at the end of the day, what is life if not a constant fight for what drives you mad, for what your gut tells you is the way, for what you truly and deeply want. I guess what I'm starting to figure out is that my future depends on me and what I want, what sacrifices I need to make and what challenges I need to accept. Growing up is turning out to be more difficult than I ever imagined but at the same time it has its perks. I hope when I look back to these hard, existentialist times I smile and think about every lesson that lead me to that place I'll be in.
N.